


Boyrails

by cherryburlesque



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, canon variance, pesterchum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 18:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/764468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryburlesque/pseuds/cherryburlesque
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat and Dave talk about relationships and confuse the fuck out of each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boyrails

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat/gifts).



> I did it again. I did another chatlog fic. Fuck meeeeee.
> 
> A msparp RP that I did with my girl [Kat](milesapartfrombass.tumblr.com). She’s still very new to Homestuck but has always been one of my favourite RP partners, so RPing DaveKat with her now tickles all my fancies.  
> I turned it into a chat style fic similar to How To Kill A Strider because I loved it so much.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 2349--

TG: sup  
TG: yo  
TG: dude  
CG: WHAT A START TO WHAT WILL SURELY BE A LENGTHY CONVERSATION.  
TG: cmon dont leave me hanging  
TG: oh hi  
TG: so i have this thing  
CG: IF YOU SAY 'CALLED A BRAIN,' I WON'T BELIEVE YOU.  
TG: that is a thing that probably wont interest you because youre literally interested in the most random fuck things in the history of paradox space  
CG: INTEREST PIQUED.  
TG: but im going to talk about the thing that i have because im bored as shit and i cant find you anywhere on this damn meteor so you get to deal with cyber me.  
TG: no that wasnt innuendo stfu  
TG: anyway  
CG: ARE YOU SURE?  
CG: SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D DO.  
TG: hey im not the one secretly hoping it was  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?  
CG: HILARIOUS.  
CG: SO HILARIOUS.  
TG: i know right  
TG: comedy king  
CG: GLAD WE AGREE ON SOMETHING.  
CG: ACTUALLY, I BELIEVE COMEDY WOULD BE THE JESTER'S POSITION.  
TG: alert the presses because vantas agrees with something  
TG: holy shit the world is going to go into a spin  
CG: WE'RE MAKING HEADLINES.  
TG: like a bigger spin than it already was  
TG: because the world literally fucking blew up  
TG: so its like a huge fucking deal  
TG: people are gonna riot on the streets because vantas agrees  
CG: MAYBE IT'LL BLOW UP AGAIN ON ACCOUNT OF ME AND I'LL ACTUALLY GET SOME ACTION.  
TG: their followings will be utterly in total what  
CG: "NO THAT WASN'T AN INNUENDO STFU."  
TG: why do you want action  
TG: are you dropping hints at me  
TG: are you hitting on me  
CG: BECAUSE I'M JUST AS BORED AS YOU ARE.  
CG: I'M GOING TO BE HITTING ON YOU AS SOON AS I FIND SOMETHING BLUNT AND HEAVY.  
TG: oh karkat im swooning over here  
CG: THAT WAS AN ODDLY WORDED SENTENCE.  
TG: i thought youd be off running your mouth at rose  
TG: lol blunt and heavy  
CG: WHY IS THAT FUNNY?  
TG: i have something blunt and heavy  
TG: hint its my dick  
CG: CAN YOU HIT YOURSELF WITH IT?  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
TG: idk im pretty good at beating with it  
CG: WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TELL ME?  
CG: I'M JUST GOING TO IGNORE YOU EVERY TIME YOU'RE A MORON.  
CG: WHICH MIGHT BE A LOT.  
CG: SEE? I SAID MIGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS A MORON.  
TG: im flattered  
TG: oh yeah the thing  
TG: so i ended up fucking around in the lab yesterday and accidentally generated some form of thing  
TG: i dont know what it is  
TG: but it vibrates  
TG: and i know how much you like vibrating objects so  
CG: PERFECT, BUT I DIDN'T WANT INSIGHT ON YOUR SELFCEST SESSIONS.  
CG: I ONLY LIKE VIBRATING THINGS WHEN THEY CAN VIBRATE SO FAST THEY CAN BURN OUR FOES TO A PILE OF ASHES.  
CG: DAVE?  
CG: CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING?  
CG: THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WEIRD EXPERIMENTS.  
TG: sure ting  
TG: ting  
TG: ting ting ting  
TG: thing  
CG: SURE TING.  
CG: I FEEL LIKE THIS CONVERSATION ISN'T SERIOUS ENOUGH.  
TG: that was a typo  
TG: ill put my serious face on h/o  
TG: ok serious bsns starts now  
CG: CAN I REVOKE MY TALKING TO YOU COMMENT?  
CG: OR NOT.  
TG: no im fully serious right now  
TG: so sup  
CG: IT'S FUCKING REDUNDANT, ANYWAY.  
CG: YOU CAN WIPE THAT STUPID LOOK OFF YOUR FACE.  
TG: no way im all for a bro who needs to talk about shit that gets his goat  
TG: cmon man were bros  
TG: tell me whats up  
CG: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  
CG: "GETS HIS GOAT?"  
CG: WHATEVER.  
TG: upsets you  
TG: cmon whats going on  
CG: I WAS JUST CURIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING.  
CG: OR MORE SPECIFICALLY, OUR RELATIONSHIP.  
TG: ours?  
CG: YES.  
CG: THAT'S WHAT I SAID, ISN'T IT?  
TG: what do you mean our relationship is something not right because im so not cool with things not being right  
TG: youre gonna need to toss me a bone  
CG: I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS. THAT'S ALL.  
CG: I'VE BEEN SO BUSY JUST IGNORING THE FACT THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY FUCKING SPECIES THAT LIKE, THE WAY I LABEL SHIT PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN LINE UP WITH THE WAY YOU DO AND THAT BOTHERS ME A BIT MORE THAN I'D LIKE TO ADMIT.  
CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO ASK YOU THIS BECAUSE I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T EVER FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS AGAIN AND NOW WE'RE ON A FUCKING METEOR, PROBABLY ABOUT TO GET OUR ASSES HANDED TO OURSELVES AT ANY FUCKING MOMENT.  
CG: HOPEFULLY NOT.  
TG: im trying to figure out what exactly it is youre asking  
TG: dumb it down to human terms  
CG: I DO CONSIDER YOU MY BEST FRIEND, BUT IF IT MATTERS AT ALL, AND IF YOU CAN PERHAPS TRY TO COMMIT, I WANT MORE THAN THAT.  
CG: GAMZEE REALLY GOT THE BEST OF ME AND I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH TRUST, TO BE BLUNT, BUT I TRUST YOU.  
TG: thats a pretty big deal man  
TG: thanks for trusting me  
TG: for what its worth im pretty sure i trust you more than anyone else here as well  
CG: YOU'RE WELCOME, I GUESS.  
CG: WE'LL YOU'RE LEADING YOURSELF TO DISAPPOINTMENT.  
TG: so you want to be the whatever bit of your retarded love square thing  
TG: the <3  
TG: as in human boyfriends  
CG: THAT'S... NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING.  
CG: WHY ARE YOU RESPONDING LIKE THAT?  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: ACTUALLY, NEVERMIND. THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.  
TG: ive misunderstood then because like  
TG: in human things  
TG: when someone says they 'want more' its like  
TG: 'i wanna be your lover'  
TG: sort of  
TG: yeah  
TG: what were you asking  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS, ANYMORE.  
CG: TAKE YOUR SERIOUS FACE OFF.  
TG: no cmon mn  
TG: man  
TG: if you stop now theres just gonna be like this awkwardness and shit so we gotta clear this up  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: dont make me come find you ill make terezi sniff you out  
CG: SHUT UP.  
TG: and neither of us want to deal with her right now  
TG: cmon talk to me  
CG: I WAS ASKING IF YOU WERE INTERESTED IN A MOIRALLEGIANCE. WHICH WOULD BE MY EQUIVALENT TO BEST FRIENDS, BUT INSTEAD OF MERELY BEING BEST FRIENDS, YOU WOULD HAVE OTHER DUTIES THAT PERTAIN TO OUR FRIENDSHIP.  
TG: theres just been like a cultural misunderstanding its cool man just oh  
TG: hmm i dont know how good id be at that tbh like  
TG: not that i dont want to man  
TG: but im still only a human so id fuck it up a lot  
TG: i guess if you explained what other duties id have and that youd have as morails we could give it a shot  
CG: WHY IS IT THAT YOUR REACTION TO BEING MY MOIRAIL IS SOMEHOW MORE ALARMED THAN WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS TELLING YOU I WAS FLUSHED FOR YOU?  
TG: because thats easy that just means wed get to make out and stuff  
TG: because your flushed thing is like the only sort of a human relationship  
TG: sort of  
CG: YEAH? THAT'D BE FUCKING EASIER FOR YOU?  
TG: im not saying that chill  
TG: im saying like  
TG: i saw some of the shit you went through trying to deal with the clown and to me that looked pretty fucking tough for you  
TG: and like yeah i know that was fucked up because he wasnt pulling his weight  
TG: its purely like a cultural thing like  
TG: i understand the basic dynamic of it and shit i just dont know how good id be putting it into practice  
TG: know what i mean  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT GAMZEE. BUT I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES SENSE.  
CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED. I SHOULDN'T HAVE.  
TG: no me neither hes fucking crazy  
TG: no dude chill  
TG: im not even there and i can tell youre flipping out  
CG: I'M NOT FLIPPING OUT.  
TG: im not saying i dont want to  
CG: IT'S BETTER THIS WAY, TRUST ME.  
TG: im saying like  
CG: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.  
CG: THIS WAY I CAN'T DISAPPOINT ANYONE. WHICH IS A PLUS FOR BOTH OF US.  
TG: if we do take it on because its a pretty big deal that youd trust me to be your moirail  
TG: youre just gonna like maybe need to help me be a decent one  
TG: because you dont need another gamzee  
TG: know what i mean  
CG: I KNOW.  
CG: I FEEL REALLY STRESSED, RIGHT NOW, BUT I'M NOT FLIPPING OUT.  
TG: like you might need to give me some examples of shit moirails do when they have to do their moiraily duties  
CG: AS YOU PUT IT.  
TG: ok so youre stressed  
TG: as your moirail  
TG: id come find you and wed jam it out in a pile and id de stress you is that right  
CG: THAT'D BE NICE, BUT I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THAT RIGHT NOW. I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS. ANYWAY, WELL, IF I'M UPSET, GENERALLY YOU'D JUST SORT OF PAT MY FACE LIGHTLY OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL I CALM DOWN AND I WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU. TRY TO QUIET ME, BUT DON'T SAY ANYTHING. I CAN SHOW YOU LATER. THIS IS KIND OF DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN IN "HUMAN TERMS."  
CG: YOU TRY TO PUSH YOUR POSITIVE EMOTIONS INTO ME THROUGH THIS ACTION.  
CG: DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?  
TG: well im willing to go for it man if you think id be a decent moirail  
TG: yeah it does  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: I JUST REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU SOMETIMES, DON'T MIND ME.  
TG: im well learned enough in troll lingo to take that as a compliment.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.  
CG: I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A LOT TO SAY, BUT YOU'RE HARD TO TALK TO, RIGHT NOW.  
TG: why though  
TG: im chill  
TG: were chill  
CG: EXACTLY.  
CG: YOU'RE LIKE FUCKING CALM AS SHIT AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF.  
TG: am i supposed to freak out  
CG: I DON'T KNOW.  
TG: if it makes you feel better underneath these stupid pyjamas im like holy fuck this is a big deal  
CG: I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT YOUR RESPONSE TO THE TOPIC EARLIER IS UNSETTLING TO ME.  
TG: how so  
CG: ARE YOU FLUSHED FOR ME?  
CG: I DON'T UNDERSTAND HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS, I DON'T THINK. EVEN LESS, NOW.  
TG: ok let me explain our relationships a bit then to see if it makes more sense  
TG: like with human relationships obviously we dont have your quadrant thingies so its not as complex  
TG: so when people are best bros sometimes its just natural for them to develop what you call flushed feelings and like  
CG: FLUSHED FEELINGS WOULD FALL UNDER THE RED ROMANCE QUADRANT.  
TG: taking it to the next level for humans is a flushed relationship because we dont have like a set relationship for moirails  
CG: SO, THAT *IS* NATURAL FOR YOU?  
CG: THAT'S WHAT I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT.  
TG: so when you asked me that you wanted more my human brain went 'whoa man he wants us to be troll flushed' instead of instantly recognising that you were asking for moiraillegience  
TG: yeah sometimes it can be  
TG: like two people could be best bros for life like me and john without it ever going to that next level  
TG: like me and him have been bros since i was 12  
TG: but theres never been anything 'more' in human terms  
TG: like weve never developed those extra feelings  
TG: and sometimes other people could be bros for ages like i met you when i was 13 and weve been bros ever since  
CG: SO, WHEN WE FIND HIM, I ASSUME OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE WILL BE VOID.  
TG: no  
TG: not at all  
TG: because being best friends withsomeone doesnt automatically equal moiraillegiance  
TG: in human terms  
TG: i guess in troll terms too  
TG: like you can be best friends with someone without being their moirail right  
CG: YES, I WAS JUST CLARIFYING.  
TG: so like in human terms you can be best friends with someone without being flushed  
CG: BUT YOU WOULDN'T PREFER THAT?  
CG: JOHN MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT HAS STUCK WITH ME FOR A LONG TIME.  
TG: but sometimes someone might want more out of their relationship and usually for humans its the flushed part because we dont have a designated thing for moiraillegiance  
CG: IS IT TRUE YOU DON'T INITIATE MATESPRITSHIP WITH THE SAME SEX?  
TG: no  
TG: i mean  
TG: for some people yes because they dont have that attraction  
TG: but with others they prefer the same sex  
TG: humans are stupid because we label everything  
CG: WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME.  
TG: sometimes i think troll romance isnt as ridiculous as human relationships  
TG: what did john say to you  
CG: YOU JUST LABEL BEING ATTRACTED TO A CERTAIN BODY TYPE MORE THAN OTHERS, RIGHT?  
CG: HE JUST SAID THERE WAS A WORD FOR A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE SAME SEX.  
CG: I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS.  
TG: homosexual  
CG: YES.  
TG: he pulled the 'not gay' thing with you too did he  
CG: DID YOU PURSUE HIM?  
TG: when i was like 13  
TG: gave up pretty quickly  
TG: hes all over vriska right now i think so  
CG: AND THERE WAS TEREZI.  
CG: WHICH MEANS...  
TG: means  
CG: YOU'VE PURSUED A MAN AND A TROLL, WHICH MEANS THAT MY HESITATION TO ASKING YOU FOR A RELATIONSHIP ACTUALLY WAS POINTLESS. NOT THAT I'M ASSUMING THAT MEANS YOU'D ACTUALLY RETURN FLUSHED FEELINGS, BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I CAME INTO THIS CONVERSATION TO ASK OF YOU.  
CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'VE AVOIDED THE QUESTION SEVERAL TIMES. I'M NOT LOSING SLEEP OVER IT.  
CG: I'M HAPPY WITH THIS. I JUST WANT TO STAY HONEST WITH YOU.  
CG: WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.  
CG: BESIDES...  
TG: well not really because rose is drunk terezi is off who the fuck knows where and were still on our way to meeting the others so really we cant do much  
TG: besides what  
CG: I LIKE THE IDEA OF HAVING A MOIRAIL. AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I TRUST ENOUGH FOR THAT. SO IF YOU WERE FLUSHED FOR ME, I'D STILL BE HESITANT ABOUT THIS.  
CG: THE FACT THAT YOU WANT TO TRY MEANS A LOT TO ME.  
TG: well im not gonna lie youre like adorably cute a lot of the time and if you wanted to go for that i wouldnt be opposed to trying it either  
TG: basically i just wanna be close to you  
TG: and if a moirail is what you need then i wanna be that  
CG: WAIT, SERIOUSLY?  
CG: YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO RIGHT? AND YOU'RE NOT CONFUSED ABOUT *WHAT* WE'RE TALKING ABOUT?  
TG: yes  
TG: and no im not  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT.  
TG: im admitting to you that i wouldnt be opposed to a flushed relationship if thats what you wanted, but if being your moirail is what you want from me then i wanna give you that  
CG: THIS ISN'T GOING TO GO WELL.  
CG: KNOWING MY LUCK, THIS IS EITHER A JOKE OR YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE YOUR MIND OR SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN.  
CG: I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.  
TG: no wait im not joking holy shit  
TG: i still have my serious face on remember im not even close to joking  
CG: OKAY, I'M HERE.  
CG: DOES THIS MAKE US HUMAN BOYFRIENDS?  
TG: if you want it to.  
TG: we could be human boyfriends and troll moirails because human boyfriends is pretty much the same thing  
TG: except troll moirails dont have sex  
TG: we can be boyrails  
CG: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.  
TG: shit ive just confused you even more  
CG: YOU ARE FUCKING WITH ME.  
CG: JUST FUCKING GREAT.  
TG: what if were both flushed and moirails at the same time  
TG: is that a thing that can happen with trolls  
TG: like im your matesprit and moirail at the same time  
CG: NO.  
TG: oh  
TG: damn  
CG: THOSE ARE DIFFERENT QUADRANTS. YOU CAN'T FALL UNDER BOTH.  
TG: that sucks because if you could that would be awesome  
TG: but i guess then its up to you what you want  
TG: because i just want to be in one of those two red quadrants  
TG: you get to pick which one you want me in  
CG: YOU WANT TO BE IN BOTH?  
TG: if i could then yeah  
CG: THAT'S NOT REALLY SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS. YOU MOVE THROUGH THE QUADRANTS, NOT OCCUPY THEM ALL AT ONCE.  
CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE HUMANS ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT.  
CG: THOUGH, FROM WHAT I'VE GATHERED FROM HUMAN CINEMA, THERE ACTUALLY IS FOUR.  
CG: GENERALLY, THE WIFE, THE MISTRESS, THE BEST FRIEND, AND THE "NIGHT JOB" THAT ACTS AS THE AUSPISTICE WOULD, BUT INSTEAD OF STOPPING YOU FROM HATING SOMEONE NEW, IT STOPS YOUR WIFE FROM HATING YOU.  
CG: RIGHT?  
TG: holy shit  
CG: THAT WAS A JOKE, ACTUALLY. DON'T ANSWER THAT SERIOUSLY.  
TG: but yeah like i said if i cant be in both then its up to you which one you want me to be in  
CG: SINCE I DON'T HAVE A MOIRAIL AND YOU'RE ALREADY GOING FAR OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE, SO I CAN MEET YOU HALF WAY.  
TG: whats half way entail  
CG: TAKE OUT THE "SO." I WAS KIND OF OVERTHINKING IT.  
CG: I'LL TRY TO BE BOTH.  
CG: SO I'LL HAVE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO CONSOLE ME, BUT THE BASIS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE MORESO ON THE "BOYFRIENDS" LEVEL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU REALLY   
WANT.  
CG: BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I WANT.  
CG: I'M REALLY TIRED... BUT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TEST OUT THIS NEW QUADRANT, YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME. AND NO, I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT. WE'LL TAKE   
THINGS AT YOUR HUMAN PACE TO COMPENSATE FOR THE MOIRAILLEIGIANCE.  
CG: GOODNIGHT, DAVE.  
TG: ok we can start testing it tomorrow and see how we go  
TG: night karkat   
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 0036--  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] signed out--   



End file.
